Christian Family Services Ministry

10-26-2019 – A Word to the Wise – PART 2 ON ANGER

PART 2
Level 1: Irritation and Impatience

Irritation is the level of anger that occurs first in the mind and is usually connected with the experience of loss. The loss may be due to death, rejection, abandonment, or withdrawal. The inward anxiety or irritation experienced because of the loss is frequently exhibited in physical symptoms of accelerated motor activity. Perceptions of harm would also be considered a fear of anticipated loss.
Proverbs 19:11 addresses this first level of anger when it states, “Good sense makes a man slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Paul provides the following advice about irritation, “Be angry but do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger.” From a medical standpoint, when we store up anger it can cause us physical problems which culminate in everything from high blood pressure to stomach problems to strokes. Even if one’s anger never goes beyond this initial stage, if irritation is experienced on a regular basis, that individual will have physical consequences. God’s Word warns us not to go beyond this first stage by holding onto anger overnight.

Level 2: Initial Verbal and Non-Verbal Expression

The second level of anger is accompanied by verbal expression, such as a raised voice, which tends to make hurtful remarks. Usually other symptoms are present like a red face, agitation, and dramatic exaggerated actions. At this point, our emotions become actively involved. Proverbs addresses this second stage when it warns that, “Pressing milk produces curds, pressing the nose produces blood and pressing anger produces strife.” (30:33) The warning is that this stage of anger produces strife with others. It is typically at the second level that one gets their first responses from others, usually in the form of questions such as, “Are you angry?” or “Why are you angry?”
The scriptures warn us away from this path, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Level 3: First Stages of Intimidation

If the angry person has not heeded the warnings of Proverbs, failing to use procedures such as giving a soft answer, then the third level is entered. It should be noted that the soft answer might be spoken to one who is angry, or by the people who are angry themselves.
Self-talk is a powerful tool in handling anger. Positive self-talk brings the emotions under control. Negative self-talk stirs up one’s emotions. When we imagine what we would like to say or what we will say, or simply relive the experience, which made us angry, it intensifies the physical feeling.
If these steps are not practiced then intimidation begins. The purpose of intimidation by the angry person is to manipulate or control others. Its goals are self-centered. Clenched teeth and heavy breathing physically characterize intimidation. Again, Proverbs warns, “A man given to anger causes much transgression,” and “anger lodges in the bosom of fools.”

Level 4: Impaired Communication

The fourth level is characterized by impaired communication. This may mean talking, yelling, or not listening. Perhaps the person may simply withdraw, refusing to listen to others. Prov. 18:13 warns, “If one gives answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” One cannot withdraw and at the same time hear what another has to say. Hearing has to occur. We should not confuse hearing with agreeing. Listening does not mean necessarily agreeing. Listening does mean hearing what is said, thinking about it, and analyzing it in silence. One cannot be formulating an answer and actually listening at the same time.
Another form of impairment at this level is the verbal expression of anger. Proverbs 15:18 tells us, “ A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.”
Perhaps a scripture more to the point is Prov. 13:3, “He who guards his mouth preserves his life.” Scripture repeatedly warns of the dangers inherent in the tongue. Listen to these warnings. “He who belittles his neighbor lacks sense. Rash words are like sword thrust. Death and life are in the power of the tongue. No human can tame the tongue—a restless evil, full of deadly poison. So the tongue is a little member and boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire.”
Once verbal expression of angry feelings occurs, finding a stopping place is difficult. Some form of action follows one’s words.

Level 5: Explosive Behavior

The fifth level is characterized by explosive behavior. In scripture the word “wrath” usually indicates this state and separates it from the previous behavior of level four. Psalms 37:8 sums up the stages to this point saying, Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.” Two separate levels are implied here. Wrath is a word that defines this level.
Explosive action or wrath, may be directed inward towards self or outward towards others. If the explosion is inward then the result is depression, frequently accompanied by withdrawal and even suicide. If the explosion is outward then the behavior may lead to slamming doors or other objects, acting out one’s feelings in a variety of ways, which are emotionally and physically harmful to others. Scripture warns, “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and a man given to anger causes much transgression.” (Prov. 29:22) “Scoffers set a city aflame . . . A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.” (Prov. 29:28 and 19:19). Notice how both levels are joined together in these passages.
The most prudent manner in which one should deal with levels four and five in others is discussed in Proverbs 22:24. Here we are told, “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man.”

Level 6: Guilt
The sixth stage of anger is guilt. However, the person does not take personal responsibility for their actions at this level. In fact, intense blaming of others or situations occurs at this level. This attitude is seen in the statement, “If only you had not _______.” Guilt in the aftermath of hostile acting out blocks insight, understanding, or discernment.
This guilt does not produce remorse or change. It continues to blame others by identifying others as the source of the problem. Often the angry person will act contrite for their behavior. This confuses others. They erroneously believe that the person is acknowledging remorse for inappropriate behavior. This is not their intent. The angry person really believes that others are at fault. However, to make peace they will say they are sorry. They concretely believe their anger and its acting out are justified. This is why the writer in Proverbs 18:2 could say, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”

Level 7: Acquiescence
The seventh stage is one of acquiescence. The boiling rage subsides, bitterness sets in, and the emotions become engaged in internalizing, analyzing, justifying, blaming, and defending. While it may seem that steps five and six are the most harmful, the reality is that the most harm occurs here in the seventh stage. Now the cycle bears spoiled fruit in the form of bitterness, false reasoning, and rationalization. Examples of this can be seen in the defensiveness, which occurs with an angry person. Anger is exhibited when others attempt interventions or even remotely suggest the presence of anger. It is much like what occurs when someone addresses an alcoholic’s drinking problem. “Drinking problem? I don’t have a drinking problem.” This is often referred to as denial.
In truth, by now, the problem is far greater than denial. For by now, the long-term effects of these responses have become set, as in concrete; the personality is formed. The person may exhibit traits of narcissism, become avoidant, isolate him/herself or alienate others, develop negativistic responses, become histrionic, or even antisocial. Notice how we began with the physical response and ended up with personality formation. The two are interwoven. Separation becomes impossible after an extended period. The physical effects result in mental and emotional disease. We find ourselves enslaved to anger. How does one stop this process?