Christian Family Services Ministry

11-19-2020 – A Word to the Wise – On a personal note.

I am aware that many are suffering profound distress, perhaps even hopelessness. This feeling is not alien to me. In fact my daughter asked me to write an essay on hopelessness. I doubt she knew.

Years ago in a land not so far away I discovered hopelessness. It is one of those emotions once known, never to be forgotten. At the time I was living in, what was for me, a physical, emotional and intellectual, world akin to a concentration camp. I struggled daily with my persecutors’ expectations, demands and beatings.

I had discovered books sometime before. That is how and when I had read about the holocaust camps of World War II. Strange as it was, reading about them and war in general, was an escape from my misery.

Through pictures, and stories those places came alive. Early, I had been warned of the reality of one day being in such a camp because of my name and heritage. What no one understood, was for me, life was very much like one already. The final blow came one evening.

It was 10 pm. September 30, 1956. I was sitting in the living room. It was time to go to bed. The phone shattered the evening air and mother ran to answered it. The phone had never rang that late before. I and my brother and sister slowly went into the dining room. A sense of deep foreboding as thick as fog arose. Even to this day I hate the sound of a phone late at night. Little was said, but listening intently, I began to cry, I knew, without a word, I knew. Mother said yes, and hung up the phone. Turning she said, “your father has died, he has been dead several days, we must go to Oklahoma City tomorrow.”

I was overwhelmed with hopelessness. Not out of love for my father, who had never been there for me, rather within me died the hope of escape from my personal hell.

Several days later overwhelmed with my situation, at the cemetery I emotionally, or actually, jumped up and down on his grave with fierce anger. But it did not help nor forestall the desperateness of my existence. A desperateness from which there was no escape. I remember that I had almost escaped a few weeks before by accident.

A heavy summer rain had filled the canal a few blocks from our house and I had decided to swim in the canal. The rushing waters was totally unexpected, and I was pulled under a large pipe jammed with debris being swept downstream. I was caught underneath and almost drown. Now, I was drowning for sure and certain.

Six weeks later, after the death of my father, near the end of October walking home from school the Lord as clear as day ask me if I wanted Him to be my Father? Steams of hope raced through my soul, and I answered with an unequivocal yes. Hell, for me remained, but it was no longer hopeless.

Hopelessness is an emotionally devastating experience. Often it results in deep depression and even eventual suicide. The roots of hopelessness can be traced to several situations and great distress either physically, emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. The only real solution to me is a relationship with the Father.