Christian Family Services Ministry

11-22-2019 – A Word to the Wise – The importance of the first year for the marriage is emphasized by God when He mandates that during the first year the man is exempt from everything–to allow him to tend to the marital relationship.

What is discovered by the couple during that first year? First, though the idea is appealing the chief purpose of sex is not to have children. Sex was given to meet a central need of the man for companionship and is a reminder of those days in the garden when man communed with the Lord about the deeper things of life. One needs only to recall to mind the intense satisfaction of discovery of spiritual truths to acknowledge the truth of this.

Moreover, during the first year of marriage a fit is made. A multiple of factors are involved, size, shape, depth, smell, and our brain cells commit to memory every little detail. Our spirits bond to that person in such a manner that can never be duplicated. Sure you can find the cheap variety pack that fits everyone. But it is just not the same. With what can we compare the fitting process that takes place in the marriage relationship? The embryo that grows in the mother’s womb for nine months–the immune system accepts the fetus and it grows to fit the mother. The fitting process might also be compared to buying a pair of shoes. As they are worn, they are broken in to fit that particular foot. A physical fitting occurs sexually in much this same way.

Sure two people can have sex with many other people-they do it all the time, but it is not the same. Have you ever noticed the shape of women’s stockings when they come out of those little eggs? What happens when she puts them on? They now fit her. What if someone else puts her hose on? They do not fit the same. Sure they sell hose where one size fits all. It is just not a perfect fit. Sure a woman can have sex with more than one man, but the fit is now generic, not unique.

So what occurs when there is a number of partners? A very poor fit. You can use pliers to loosen a bolt or the proper size wrench made to fit it. The pliers do the job-but the risk of damage is much greater. One can put a 100-watt bulb in a forty-wall socket but the risk of fire is much greater. One may put a 100-watt bulb in a 300-watt socket but the output is much dimmer. Notice, please, that David met several wise women of reputation before marriage. These women were smart, intelligent, and wise until they married David. Then they disappear from the pages of history. One among many means the woman has far less influence in the life of the husband. There is limited ability for fitting when prior relationships have occurred. However, if that fit never occurred, there is a mismatch. Then the situation can be corrected, even late in marriage, as long as no one else has been brought into the relationship.

But I assure you that if two people spend that first year putting their mate first, sacrificing, discovering, and providing, there will not be any other person who can seriously challenge that marriage.

If sex is so important, who would you suppose is the best person to instruct in sexual matters? Some men and a few women would suggest a prostitute might be a good candidate, someone well experienced in the sexual appetite and how it is to be satisfied. Someone trained perhaps like the courtesans of Oriental background. They possess superior knowledge, or do they?

I would submit that the most naive virgin possesses more pure knowledge of such things than any of these. How can this be? Our age has given birth to the immortalization of whoredom. In past ages whoredom was considered evil-today we tend to glorify it. Men and women alike search out knowledge of the sexual relationship from those who trade in the sordid way of life. As startling as it may seem, those who misuse and abuse sex have no real knowledge of sex.

Since sex was created by the Lord and not Satan, true understanding must flow from the source. Certain things are known about God and may be trusted. One of the most trust worthy is that God does not reveal his truths to the evil one, nor in the hands of the evil will one discover the paths of life. One must seek knowledge of sex from its Creator not its perverter. God is the source of all knowledge. I do not think for a moment that He would trust such knowledge to such wickedness. He would give it to the person who in marriage needs and desires such wisdom.

As a counselor I have seen many times newly married people unable to understand why they feel incompatible. After all, they say we lived together two years before we got married just to see if we would be compatible. It seems marriage wipes out the prior adjustment. The nature of the marriage relationship begins with a covenant, which has certain pledges, privileges, and responsibilities. These pledges form the foundation for intimacy. One finds intimacy difficult in an atmosphere of insecurity.

Satan knows he cannot duplicate this sense of pleasure and contentment; thus he masks the purpose of sex by focusing on the outward appearance of the woman entangling the man in a web of lies. These lies lead to sexual addiction, for the imitation lacks the satisfaction of the real thing. In contrast the real thing brings fulfilling companionship. Because Satan’s substitute does not work, it is sought over and over in hopes of attaining that which it promises but fails to deliver.

Understanding this principle leads to the discovery that no immoral person possesses true knowledge of the Lord’s precious gift. God does not give knowledge of good to evil people. Satan perverts good and delivers as a substitute an immoral act incapable of providing a real sense of companionship. Rather it provides just the opposite–a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness making one’s hunger and yearning even more intense.
Thus, we say if two people live together before marriage, what they find after marriage is that no fitting took place prior to marriage because there is no commitment, and therefore no surrendering. If sex occurred with someone else, the fitting process is affected.