Christian Family Services Ministry

9-4-2023 – A Word to the Wise – WHEN MARRIED TO A FOOL

On occasion, I am in a counseling situation where the spouse is foolish. This presents a series of difficult problems. Knowing how and what to do and what not to do is imperative.

Note there is a difference between calling a person a fool and knowing they are one.

The type of fool we are going to focus on here is represented in Scripture by two very similar Hebrew words with similar characteristics.

The traits by which they may be identified: they reject truth, are complacent, prideful, mock others, and they will not listen.

It is this type I am addressing when I speak of fools in a marital relationship.

Scriptures which define them:

1. A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. (Proverbs 18:2)

2. It’s an honor to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be arguing. (Proverbs 20:3)

3. Fools give full vent to anger. (Proverbs 29:11)

In my experience, those who live in a marital relationship with one spouse having some or all of these traits- the other spouse often makes serious mistakes in how they interact with them.

The first mistake is in trying to reason with them. One is not able to reason with a person who will not listen. So, it is a violation of certain passages to try. My favorite passage addressing these situations comes from Proverbs 18:2: “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding…” Therefore, trying to correct a fool is self-injury waiting to happen. I have seen spouses do this very thing over and over. It is almost like the spouse gets into a cycle and is unable to get out of it. They attempt to correct the foolish spouse, and they get stomped on every time. The bottom line, we need to take Scripture seriously if we are going to try to gain the wisdom God intends for us to inherit by living out His Word.

In connection with this wisdom, comes the added recommendations found in Proverbs 20:3, “It’s an honor to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be arguing.” The directions are clear -do not allow yourself to get involved or react to this type of behavior. I think one might take even further steps in dealing with these situations. In my opinion, one should not even accept gifts from foolish spouses. To do so, invites retribution, for if the foolish person behaves in this manner verbally, they most certainly will throw up to the other spouse any gift given past or present. So it’s wise to not accept gifts from them.

Additionally, it is not wise to take to heart any praise from a fool. If you do, I strongly suspect you will gag at some point on their words. When I say ‘do not take to heart’ I do not mean you need to say anything to them that reflects your rejection, just do not believe what they are saying. Do not depend on it, or take it at face value. Again we find in Proverbs 25: 19, “trust in a faithless man in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a foot that slides.”

So how do you reply wisely to foolishness- whether it’s a spouse or, for that matter, anyone? I am so glad you asked me! First, one must know what the difference is between a wise reply and a foolish reply.

Here is a very simple test that works most of the time. If you say something to a person and with a prideful, dismissive attitude, they disagree, and argue, all the while justifying or defending themselves- then whatever you said was foolish. If, on the other hand, you say something to the other person, and they are speechless, then what you have said is wise. I have seen how practicing this works in many situations with my clients.

Next is a principle that Jesus refers to in the Sermon of the Mount, in Matthew 5:25. The first part of the verse says, “Agree with your enemy quickly”. For its practical use, know that the very best response to a person who curses you finds fault with you, or speaks against you is to agree with them. You need to recognize that you are not agreeing that they are right, only that you agree, that is what they think. You will be amazed at how quickly this puts an end to conflict.

I need to address one more serious problem, and that is when foolishness turns to violence. In past generations, women believed and, in many cases, were wrongly told by people in authority, that they were to allow themselves to be physically abused by their husbands. Any woman who believes this nonsense is, to put it bluntly, a fool. Not only does this belief harm her, but it is has devastating consequences for her children. Additionally, it allows the husband to continue sinning grievously before God.

In our society, to allow physical or emotional abuse is a direct violation of scripture! What Scripture? Romans 13:1ff “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. 2 Therefore he who resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad.

How is that relevant? Virtually every state has laws against family violence. These laws are for our protection, and to violate them or refuse to report violence goes against Scripture. Thus, if you reject the Lord’s method of dealing with the abusive spouse, then the consequence is on you.

In summary:

DO NOT ACCEPT GIFTS FROM AN ANGRY SPOUSE

DO NOT ACCEPT PRAISE FROM AN ANGRY, ABUSIVE SPOUSE

DO NOT GIVE EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN FROM THIS THIS SPOUSE.